


The thing that works

by Heellen



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:13:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28956987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heellen/pseuds/Heellen
Summary: The thing that works or how Upstead came to be. 6x22 Ep/Reckoning - 7x01 Ep/Doubt - 7x03 Ep/Familia - 7x04 Ep/Infection - 7x07 Ep/Informant - 7x09 Ep/Absolution
Relationships: Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 5
Kudos: 90





	1. Chapter 1

"Stay down!"

Hailey didn't know what was going on. One moment she held the gun in her hands, the next moment she was painfully hitting the floor of the van with her shoulder.

The pain in her shoulder radiated down her arm and her first instinct was to roll onto her back to massage the sore part. But the weight against her side held her steady with no possibility of movement.

It took her a few seconds to realize that the weight was Jay's body, which, stretched out against her, was pressing her body between his and the ground.

But what made her stiffen more than she was a moment before, it wasn't the strange closeness to his body, but the deafening noise that vibrated all around them. The van was shaking under the power of the shooting and the bullets flying over their heads were such a quick death sentence that she probably wouldn't even know what was going on.

It would have taken so little for a bullet to hit them. All she had to do was lift her head slightly and _poof_ \- all her world would be over. Or Jay, and this thought terrified her even more, he could have been hit and died in her arms and she would have been helpless in front of the whole scene. And maybe - surely - she would never get over it.

Hailey took a deep breath, opening one eye only to be able to see the bullets continue to poke holes in the van.

Time seemed to have slowed down, dust settling on top of them as Jay seemed to tighten his grip on her with each shot and she might even have seen the scene from afar. Her body no longer belonged to her, just was a closed shell trying to survive.

And then, suddenly, the world started running again and she was so aware of every of her nerve endings. She was aware of the crash of gunfire echoing in her ears. She was aware of the weight that crushed against her back and she was aware of Jay's hand intertwined so tightly in her hair it almost hurt.

And then, sudden thought left her breathless.

She didn't want to die - she really didn't want to die.

She was young, she wanted a family. Did she really want a family? A husband? Kids? She had never really wondered it, but at that moment she thought that maybe yes, maybe she wanted a family. But she surely wanted the possibility of being able to choose to have it.

She didn't want to die, she was still young.

Her heart was beating furiously in her chest. It was strange how, in the terror of death, blood could pump so much life into her veins.

Jay's hand behind her neck pushed her deeper into his chest and she couldn't help but inhale the scent hovering all around her.

It was relaxing, something that reminded her of moss and a waterfall of crystal clear water - she didn't really know where that feeling came from, but she felt like she was in the middle of a forest, quiet and relaxing.

Something pressed against her legs and, as an automatic reaction, Hailey caught Jay's leg between hers. She tightened the grip on his thigh looking for a way to ground herself, to remember that she could still breathe - because she was still alive.

She passed an arm around his body while her other hand tied his jacket, pulling it closer against her. As if by, foolishly, protecting him she could protect herself as well.

His hand, always firm against the back of her neck, gave her no chance of movement - not that she really wanted to move away from him - while his other arm slid down her side then running up her back and Jay pushed her deeper into his body.

She really didn't believe they had ever been so close, so damn close, as if - again - the safety of one meant the safety of the other. Maybe a stupid thought? Maybe, yes. But that was really how she felt.

Well sooner than she thought, the shooting ended and the world was once again a silent and scary place.

Her body was still, as if some superior force was holding her back from being able to breathe quietly.

Her heart was still beating furiously in her chest and she foolishly thought Jay would be able to hear it too.

 _Jay_. There was something in Jay's solid calm that she couldn't really explain. It was the knowledge that his reactions had saved her life. Again.

" _Jay? Hailey? You good?_ " Voight's hoarse voice boomed in the van and her body responded involuntarily.

Her fist clenched tighter against Jay's jacket, as if he might escape. Or as if, and this was almost more terrifying, Jay had left her and she had vanished into thin air - into the dust that still settled over them.

"All good, Sarge."

Jay's voice was calm, quiet - so different from the feeling she could feel raging inside him.

But Hailey couldn't really be surprised to hear him so calm. Jay was a soldier and part of him would be one forever. And he was a rational person, he approached everything related to work as a mission and he did not let himself be distracted by something that was not under his control. Because, honestly, Jay needed to have things under his control. It was a necessity so deeply rooted in him.

Maybe, staying calm in that situation was simply his way of keeping things under control.

Voight told them not to move until his new order and Hailey happily accepted that. She couldn't really think about moving, she wasn't sure her legs would allow her to walk.

When Jay took a deep breath and his chest pressed against hers, Hailey finally opened her eyes. The van was a container littered with bullet holes. The dust swirled in the air, shining in the blades of light from the bullet holes.

"Hey, you okay?"

His voice was calm, but he hid an urgency that she had learned to recognize after years of partnership.

"Jay."

She wasn't fully aware of what was going on - what she was saying - her ears were roaring and she could only hear Jay's breath against the side of her head.

"Are you hurt? Hailey, are you okay? Are you okay?"

His hands slid over her arms and her neck as his green eyes studied every part of her body they could reach, looking for wounds she wasn't sure she could feel right now.

His voice betrayed a hint of panic that she had heard very few times in him. She really wanted to reassure him - she really wanted to make sure he was okay - but her mind was traveling to another hemisphere right now, and she didn't know what to do.

"Jay."

She repeated, this time slowly.

His name rolled onto the tip of her tongue and she tried to savor every moment of it. Because, she finally realized, she was still alive.

She nodded slowly, meeting his green eyes for the first time, big and worried.

She wasn't sure she could speak, she wasn't sure she could think of anything logical. She just…realized she could only think of the firmness of his warm arms around her.

She clenched her fist in his jacket and pushed back against him.

His breath broke against her face but Hailey didn't stop to think about that closeness, that contact. She lowered her head, hiding the panic in her eyes, against his neck.

She knew that one glance from him would be enough for her and she would collapse, realizing the great and awful truth: they had come so close to the death. And she wasn't really ready to face that moment, that reality.

Hailey stuck her head in the crease of his neck and let out a strangled sound - something between a moan and a sob - as Jay slipped his arm behind her back. His hand pushed her deeper into him and she was never so happy to close her eyes and find herself in the quiet forest she now knew so well.

"I got you. We're fine. We're fine, Hailey. "

He kept repeating it a couple of times as his hand ran through her hair - a slow, calming caress.

She blinked her eyes after what could have been ages and she slowly pulled away from him. The loss of his solid body was physically painful, but that was what had to be done. Just move away from him and try to breathe away from his scent.

Hailey leaned against the side of the van, her head leaning back and her eyes closed.

"That was insane." Jay whispered after sliding beside her.

"Definitely a way to think about it."

Hailey took a slow breath, once, then twice.

And when she opened her eyes, Jay was staring at her. His freckles stood out against the blades of light as his legs stretched out in front of him.

And suddenly, before either of them could really understand what was happening, they burst into a nervous laugh.

They were almost dead but, at the end, they were still alive. Their laughter filled the silence in the van and when Voight opened the back door, he looked at them like they were crazy.

And they probably were, yeah.

But they were alive, and that was all that mattered now.

...

' _Stay down!_ '

She narrowed her eyes in the dark as her ears still boomed with the sound of gunfire.

' _Not in time for this unit - for us._ '

In her mind, she remembered his low, warm voice, the one he used only around her.

' _We've only been partners for a couple years, you'll forget about me just fine._ '

' _Hailey._ '

Again, Hailey narrowed her eyes in the dark. The noises of the city were muffled and the dim light of the street lamp on the sidewalk entered through the window of the stairs. Jay's low voice kept repeating in her ears. Him saying her name, him be so vulnerable - as only she saw him. She knew she was the only one who had this privilege - to see Jay open, vulnerable, sincere - and she would do everything in her power to remember his eyes forever.

Hailey squinted in the dark as she recognized the footsteps that were climbing the stairs. She would recognize them anywhere, she was so so used to them.

Jay stopped just around the corner, Hailey's figure slumped in front of his apartment door.

"Hi?"

"Hey." She slowly stood up waiting for him to open the door, "My phone's dead, I didn't know where you were."

He shrugged his jacket off his shoulders, hanging his and what she was holding out on the hook behind the door.

"Which version of events do you want? The long one or the short one?"

Jay leaned against the kitchen counter with his palms over his eyes as she went straight to plug the phone into the cable to recharge it.

His hair was unkempt and seeing him so ruffled was so strange and she really didn't know what to think anymore.

"The short one. Be quick and painless."

"Kelton is dead. Voight is missing."

Jay was solemn, as solemn was the glance he gave her.

"Kelton is dead?"

"Yup. Kim, Kevin and I have answered the patrol call."

"But what…?"

He shrugged, putting a little water on the stove to heat, "Shot in the chest."

"And Voight is missing."

"Hmm hmm…" Jay nodded slowly, "But Hailey, honestly? I don't want to talk about it for today. It's three in the morning."

They were silent for a few minutes, both too tired to talk. Jay was leaning against the table with his eyes closed and, not for the first time, Hailey wished she could give him that relief - that calm - he always instilled in her.

"I went to see Adam." She blurted out after a few seconds.

Jay nodded again. And Hailey wondered what his silence was due to.

"I just wanted, you know, to see how he was doing and I don't know, but..." Hailey shook her head, "On my way home, I wanted to call you, but then I saw my phone was dead and..."

"You can do what you want, you know it."

Jay finally cut her off by meeting her gaze. The dim light made his eyes darker than the bright green she knew so well.

"I don't know. It was just…"

Jay cut her off with a shake of his head and a faint smile slid across his lips.

"I really need a shower." He began after a few seconds of silence, "Can you finish making the tea?"

Jay walked slowly to the bathroom. He was already halfway down the hall when he walked back, "Can you just…stay the night? It has been a crazy day and it's not as if we had a whole night's sleep waiting for us."

"Can I take a shower?"

"Sure. Just give me a minute."

She wanted to feel uncomfortable. Moving around his kitchen without him, knowing where he kept the teabags and cups, how much lemon he wanted in the tea. She really wanted to feel uncomfortable in all of this, maybe even intimidated. But she didn't feel any of that. It was normal, as if she did it every day.

As if every night, before going to sleep, she could prepare tea while he was taking a shower.

Maybe it was even too normal for her.

Hailey looked around, the dim light in the living room, the sound of running water down the hall - it was all so damn normal.

She was sipping the hot tea when Jay walked into the kitchen. His hair was still wet and, again, she was amazed at the normality of that situation. Jay was always the one with the neat hair and the stretched shirt. But, by now, she was used to seeing him ruffled, in pajamas and in the comfort of his apartment.

"I've already put a change of clothes for you in the bathroom." He said as he slumped heavily against the cabinet, then focused on her moving around in his living room, "What are you doing?"

"Making the couch." Hailey shrugged as if it were obvious.

"Hailey." Jay sighed and she turned to look at him.

Something in his defeated tone reminded her of everything that had happened that day.

"I honestly don't really want to be a gentleman and sleep on the couch. And I don't want you to sleep on the couch." He cut her off as he saw her open her mouth, "Just sleep in my bed with me. It's really late and I'm too tired."

Hailey watched him. His eyes rimmed with black, the ruffled hair, the heavy shoulders. And, again, that day they had risked being split up, they were almost dead, the unity was all to pieces.

And she just wanted to close her eyes and forget all of that hell for a few hours - and she only wanted to do it with Jay.

She nodded before touching him to reach the bathroom at a slow pace, a hand sliding smoothly down his arm.

The boiling water from the shower loosened her shoulder muscles and she closed her eyes under the feeling of well-being she was experiencing at that moment. As if the water was able to make worries and stress slide along her aching muscles.

She pulled on a loose sweatshirt and Jay's sweatpants before dabbing her hair with the towel. Feeling immersed in a cloud of Jay's scented bubble bath sent her adrift for a moment. Images of everyday life - so simple everyday life - the simplicity of a life with him.

When she came out of the bathroom, the apartment was dark and silent. The only sound was Jay's heavy breathing coming from his bedroom.

Despite the darkness, Hailey could see his body relaxed under the blanket and she couldn't help but wonder at the speed with which he had been able to fall asleep - the man with the hardest sleep she had ever known.

She moved silently around the bed before slipping under the blanket. Days were starting to get warmer, but nights was still cold and she couldn't help but pull the blanket over her shoulders. In that precise moment, in that precise moment in her life, she couldn't think of anything but Jay's warm, relaxed body beside her and his soft blankets.

"You good?" He muttered, his voice furred with sleep and moving his legs slightly.

"Much better, yeah."

Hailey rolled over on her side facing him. His hand slid behind her neck, "Damp hair. Headache."

She giggled at the few disconnected words that came out of his mouth. Jay half asleep was a sight she wanted to see every day.

"Shut up." She whispered before her hand rested on his forearm, as his fingers caught in her hair in the back of her neck.

It was a simple, pure touch - yet so strange for the two of them.

It almost seemed as if, after that day, they were both looking for a way to ground themselves. Just to remember they were still alive, they were still partners, they were still together - whatever that meant.

In the dark, she saw his teeth glint for a moment in a tired smile before he slipped off into sleep. His heavy breath made her drift away in seconds, the weariness of the day finally fading away.

...

"I know you're awake."

Hailey muttered, hiding her face in her pillow.

The light coming from the window was dim and, at first glance, Hailey knew it had to be barely dawn.

The soft laugh from the other side of the bed pushed her to roll a little towards the center. In the dim light, she saw him stretched out with his arms behind his head, his eyes closed and his face turned towards the ceiling.

"The power of your thoughts woke me up."

Jay sighed softly, "I'm sorry. It's just - I don't know. "

They were silent for a few moments. She could almost feel his brain working, trying to process everything that had happened, and still not being able to get over it.

"Did you sleep?"

Jay opened one eye staring at her, "You keep on asking..."

"Eh, just a hope for a poor dreamer."

Jay smiled lightly, "I rested, yeah. A little."

"Want we face the elephant in the room?"

"Which of the many?"

"First one. Voight?" Hailey hit his calf with a light kick.

"I don't know what to think. Seriously. He wasn't there, his phone was out of reach. And after what he had told me... Where the hell was he?"

Jay shifted uncomfortably, running his hands over his face before crossing his arms behind his head again.

"I have to do what needs to be done?" Hailey repeated the words their Sergeant had said to Jay the day before at the precinct.

"Uh uh. I don't know what to think. You?"

He never met her gaze. His eyes were always stubbornly closed and she was silent for a few seconds to collect her thoughts.

"I think…Voight may give way to not knowing what to think, but I also think..." She added after a few seconds, "…that we just have to see how the day goes."

Jay nodded slowly, "We're still together, aren't we?"

His voice was light, but Hailey felt a hint of doubt slip from his lips.

"So it seems. With Kelton dead, the unit is likely not to be split up."

"You know, I was honest." Jay turned towards her, leaving the sentence hanging for a few seconds.

"Yesterday, I mean. When I said I'm going where you go, I was honest."

"It's good to hear that. Because it's totally mutual, Jay Halstead."

They were silent and Hailey rolled onto her stomach and tucked her arms under the pillow. She looked at Jay still wrapped in the blanket and she couldn't really help but imagine a life like that.

Hailey took a slow breath trying to slow her heart, "You're the best partner I've ever had and…I don't know. It is just what it is."

Something in her words took him by surprise because Jay let his eyes wander over her face.

"Hailey..."

His voice was low and hoarse. And for a moment, Hailey was taken back to the break room the day before. His eyes, his broken breath, his defeated shoulders - Jay being vulnerable in front of her.

She never thought her name could sound so right, not until she heard Jay breathe it softly for the first time.

"Would we really have been split up, in your opinion?"

Jay took a deep breath as he closed his eyes, "Kelton would have never let any of us stay together."

"I know it's wrong but…I'm not completely sorry he's dead."

Jay slipped a hand up to a lock of her hair on his pillow and he slowly turned it over in his fingers with a thoughtful expression.

"Me neither, Hailey."

The silence was peaceful, so comfortable it seemed almost absurd. She didn't expect it would be awkward once they wake up. But she didn't even think they would be so…at ease around each other - so domestic.

"Adam is the only problem we still have to solve."

"The only one?" She replied.

"Yeah, you get me."

 _Adam_. His presence settled between them like a boulder. Adam who had been arrested. Adam who wanted to continue protecting Antonio. Adam who refused to tell the truth. Adam risking his life by staying in prison. Adam who didn't even listen to her when she tried to explain to him how dangerous it was to keep doing what he was doing.

Hailey shook her head and buried a little in the pillow, "I'm afraid it's not that simple."

"What did he tell you?"

Hailey bit her lip, refraining from confessing to Jay everything she knew. She didn't like that he was completely unaware of that situation, she had never liked it. But it was bigger than her, and somehow she couldn't be the one to open her mouth - not in this situation, not with Voight missing and Kelton dead.

"He…" Hailey took a slow breath, well aware that lying to Jay was the thing she probably hated most in the world, "Nothing."

"Nothing?"

Jay glared at her and she refrained from hiding her head under her pillow and screaming in frustration.

"I just…I wanted to see how he was doing."

"Yeah, sure. That was good."

He moved indifferently, resuming his initial position with his arms crossed behind his head.

Hailey saw him staring at the ceiling stubbornly and something, in Adam's talk, was almost too bulky between them.

If waking up in bed next to Jay had been so normal, all the embarrassment had just fallen on them just by mentioning Adam.

She felt this weight crush her shoulders from the first night she ended up with him and every time she starting talking about him to Jay, something got caught in her throat.

' _We're good, Hailey. We're always gonna be good._ '

His words echoed in her brain and she suddenly remembered his expression, kind and condescending. And gosh, she couldn't stand how Adam's presence made them so nervous. They weren't doing good, and if Adam and her relationship with him were involved, they wouldn't always go good.

"What's happened between us…" Hailey began slowly, her palms pressed against her cheeks, "It was unexpected and I don't know..."

"You don't have to tell me anything. We have already talked about it." Jay cut her off with a wave of his hand before she could continue.

But she really wanted to continue, explain, justify what had happened.

"No, we haven't really talked about it and we both know it. When Adam and I..."

"Hailey, I get you want to talk about it. Just…not now, not today."

He slowly turned to her, grabbing the same lock of her hair and twisting it around in his fingers.

Hailey stared at him for a moment, his frowning expression focused on the curled hair around his finger.

"You know, it just took tequila and it could have been our thing..." Hailey teased him by touching his calf with her toe.

"Drinking at this time seems a bit like an alcoholic, to me."

"Yeah, uhm, what time is it?"

"You don't want to know." Jay chuckled shaking his head.

Hailey moaned as she dropped her face into the pillow and hit him with her foot again, "Too soon, I knew. Your fault."

Jay laughed at her as he pushed her shoulder, "Will you stop kicking me? Your feet are frozen."

"Hey, it's not my fault. I always have cold feet when I wake up!"

Hailey rolled onto her side studying every little fold in Jay's relaxed expression. She really wanted to remember him like this forever, relaxed and with ruffled hair.

"You could have put on some socks, you know?"

"Nah, I was too tired."

Jay laughed aloud shaking his head and making fun of her.

Something about the way his laughter slipped into her, it made her realize she was already too deep with him - she was so into him and she didn't know if she would ever be able to get out again.

She closed her eyes trying to memorize his laugh, before slipping her frozen feet under his legs.

Jay's moan of bother made her laugh as she stretched her muscles. When she slipped her arms under the blanket, she brushed against his chest and something about it, in the heat that vibrated around him, made her wish she could just get closer and doze there. As if it was normal, as if she could do it anytime she wanted.

"Get some more sleep. I think I can give you another half hour, then we get ready and go to work."

Hailey moaned hiding her head under the blanket, "But how can you be so…awake at this time of the dawn?"

"Ranger habit." He shrugged indifferently before letting a hand slip into her hair.

She really had no idea what attracted him so much, but she didn't mind feeling his fingers running through her hair at all. Hailey yawned with her mouth tucked under the blanket before shoving her feet again between his calves and happily closing her eyes.

She didn't mind another half hour of sleep at all.

She ended up in a light sleep but was still aware of Jay's steady breath next to her and the slight movements of his hand in her hair.

She opened her eyes only at the sound of Jay's phone from his bedside table.

"Halstead."

She saw him close his eyes and slowly exhale.

"Yeah Kim, be there in an hour. Yeah, no. Call Kevin too. I'm taking Upton."

Jay ended the call by dropping the phone between the covers with a soft groan.

"Bad news, sleepy head. You have to get up now."

"It's too early. You know it, I know it."

Jay chuckled before lifting the blanket to reveal her eyes.

"I know. But the world needs us."

"The world can get by on its own."

"Shut up." Jay laughed again, this time pushing her feet, now warmer, on the other side of the bed, "Just get up. I'm going to make coffee."

Jay slipped out of the covers and started down the hall. The sound of his movements in the kitchen left her dazed for a second to stare into space. All so domestic, she couldn't help but think.

She stretched her arms over her head and rolling slightly to his side of the bed - that is, to the side of the bed where he had slept. Because it was all his bed and so he didn't have a side of it, and neither did she, even though...

She moaned again as she covered her face with the blanket to avoid screaming in frustration.

"Please, I feel like you're out of the covers yet."

His amused voice pulled her out of her dream world and her head poked out of the blanket, "I'm getting up, can't you see it?"

"Yeah, I bet it." He snorted in amusement before grabbing some clothes.

He went to the bathroom but not before giving her one last dirty look, "The coffee is ready! Just get up, please!"

All so damn domestic, she sighed pulling her feet out of the blanket.

The idea of that routine every morning, with Jay half asleep next to her? She wouldn't mind at all.

"I just got up! You happy?" She slammed her fist on the bathroom door, passing it and going into the kitchen. The loud laugh that echoed behind her made her laugh heartily too — all so domestic.


	2. Chapter 2

"Sarge…" Hailey broke into the conversation while maintaining a stiff pose.

"Not now, Upton."

Voight dismissed her with three simple words, while his face remained inches from Jay's.

"Sarge, it's not just on him."

"It's none of your business. Get the hell out!"

Voight gave her a venomous look as his words echoed in the empty garage and Hailey backed away slightly - as if the air had rejected her.

She was ready to protest, Jay knew her well. And that was why he gave her a quick wave of his arm and never as in that moment did he hope she wasn't as stubborn as she always was.

Jay held back a sigh of relief as he watched her slowly back away while keeping her gaze fixed on him. When the garage door closed behind Hailey, Voight seemed to wake up and erupted all the rage and stress of those days at him.

"You went behind my back?"

Voight's voice boomed in the silence of the garage.

"Sarge, I didn't know what you were doing. I thought maybe..."

"Yeah, I know. I know what you thought. You thought wrong, didn't you?"

Voight cut him off by screaming inches from his face, "I gave her a chance to get her affairs in order, to do what she needed to do. I was setting up a containment."

Jay clenched his hands in two tight fists pressed against his hips, "Well, how was I supposed to know that?"

"You didn't know because you didn't ask!"

His voice echoed in the garage before he could really think about what he was saying.

"I didn't ask you?"

"I said I would handle it, didn't I? Me, not you! It was her choice, Jay. You understand it? It was hers, not yours! If she wants to put a bullet in her head in uniform, she has the right. It's her choice."

Voight took a breath not taking his eyes off him and Jay had to hold his breath not to give voice to all the anger that slipped inside him with Voight's every word.

Jay could understand his point of view, he wanted to handle things his way. But he also knew he had done the right thing by preventing Brennan from killing herself. He could never let her make that gesture and do nothing to prevent it. It was something he just couldn't do.

He realized the scope of their discussion as Voight's last words pierced the fury of his thoughts.

"If you don't trust me, Jay, if the way I do business concerns you, then get the hell out."

Jay closed his eyes absorbing the violence of those words, before slowly walking away from Voight.

He climbed into the bullpen in silence as the weight of the last few days crashed into him with every step. He briefly tidied up the desk noting Hailey and Kim were the only ones still present - not that Intelligence was made up of many others, he reasoned briefly, with Antonio gone and Adam fresh out of jail, the only one not there was Kevin.

"Jay."

Hailey reached across their desks trying to reach him before he shook his head moving away form her.

He saw her open her mouth but before she could talk, he anticipated her by squeezing her shoulder lightly and stepping away from the bullpen.

He was tired, exhausted and angry. But maybe, what hurt him the most was the possibility that Voight had given him, to leave, to get rid of Intelligence. And, maybe, he could have done it, go beyond Intelligence, beyond Voight, beyond Hailey...

He got home quickly and, despite his only desire being to have a beer and lie down on the couch, he needed to get his body to its breaking point - being so tired that he couldn't even turn his brain off.

Changing his clothes and going out for a run took a few minutes. His feet beat the ground rhythmically while the warm evening air whipped his face pleasantly.

He went to the center of Chicago, on the long canal, the glass buildings stood out on the sides of him but he continued undaunted to eat mile after mile.

He had set a good pace, passed people without really noticing it while his head was miles away from him, from Chicago - it was everywhere and nowhere.

His mom's eyes flashed through his memories - Will's own eyes - and not for the first time did he wonder if she was proud of him - if she ever thought he'd become that kind of person.

Maybe, after all, Voight was right, maybe Intelligence was not his thing, maybe he was not capable of managing things that way.

Without realizing the road he had made, he found himself in front of his place and climbed the steps to the front door with his heart still pounding in his ears.

"Are we getting used to me waiting for you here?"

Hailey's voice brutally brought him back to reality and he saw her sitting in front of his front door. Unlike two nights before, this time she was sitting cross-legged on the mat with the phone in her hands.

"Eh."

He shrugged as he opened the door and walked past her. He took off his shoes, putting them away neatly behind the entrance before going directly to the bathroom.

"Make yourself at home." He yelled at her before slamming the door behind his back.

It would have been false if he had said that having her there bothered him. He always liked having Hailey around, she was something quiet and able to ground him and he would never complain about that.

The cold stream from the shower gave him the feeling that he had let some of the anger slip off his shoulders and when he returned to the living room, he found Hailey curled up on the side of the couch with her head on the armrest. She was so small and seemed so comfortable and, for the second time in few days, he wondered if the everyday life that seemed to hover around her in his home was normal.

"Hey. Do you want a beer?"

"Maybe some tea?" She said blinking and stretching.

It had been a rough day for all of them and he could see it clearly on her tired face.

"I'll make it. Turn on the TV."

He heard her fumbling in his living room and saw her grab the light blanket he kept behind the couch before sinking down with a satisfied groan.

He handed her a cup of tea - the same cup she had given him two years ago and that had ended up being used only by her - before sitting on the other side of the couch and stretching his legs on the coffee table in front of them.

They remained silent, both watching TV playing in the background a movie that, honestly, Jay wouldn't be able to tell the plot.

"So…" Hailey shifted a little on the couch pulling the blanket under her chin, "I heard Voight today. What he said was…mean."

Her voice was light, like she wanted to understand how he felt about it. He saw her wring her fingers in her lap, before looking up at him and crossing his eyes.

"He shouldn't have reacted like that. We did what…"

"It's all on me, Hailey. I decided to go in, you shouldn't have followed me."

Jay cut her off with a wave of his hand before dropping his head against the back of the couch. Hailey taking responsibility for the mess he made was something he wouldn't allow. He had decided to enter, he had gone against Voight's orders, he had doubted Voight all day.

Him, not Hailey.

But evidently she wasn't of the same opinion as him, because she gently kicked his thigh before breathing shakily.

"If it's on you, it's on me too. I'll follow you everywhere, you know. We are a team."

He snorted bitterly, shaking his head again.

"A team of two? Losers."

"Jay. Don't do it. Don't turn your words against me."

Her voice had suddenly become colder and he forced himself to meet her eyes which, in the dim light, had taken on a dark shade of blue.

"Yeah, no. You're right."

' _If the way I do business concerns you, then get the hell out._ '

Voight's words echoed in his brain once more time and he couldn't hold back the grimace on his face.

"Jay."

Hailey repeated his name more slowly as her hand touched his arm. He looked up and met her eyes again - blue and calm - and finally, after hours, his thoughts seemed to slow their frantic run.

"I'm fine."

"What Voight said..." Hailey broke off, biting her lower lip, "You didn't take it seriously, did you?"

He wasn't really surprised to know that Hailey was hiding behind the door, just in case he needed her - that was how they rolled, he knew it the moment the thud of the garage door thundered behind her back.

Hailey was sincere - and vulnerable - and she only deserved the truth from him.

"I don't know. Maybe he's right. Maybe…I don't want to accept Voight's way of handling things anymore."

"No." Hailey shook her head forcefully, "You're not thinking straight. You did everything right today. Today you didn't do anything wrong. All your calls were right."

Jay smiled slightly as he saw her cheeks turn red from the eagerness with which she spoke.

Hailey's strength, explaining to him how the things had gone, convinced him. She remained resolute in her thought, continuing to remind him that she would go where he went.

But in the ferocity of her gaze, Jay recognized another emotion - an emotion so strange to see on her face that it took him a few seconds to recognize it.

The immense little woman in front of him was scared. She was scared he would give in to what Voight had said. Scared he would leave her. Scared for him.

"Hailey."

Jay let his hand slide up to her forearm, before giving it a light squeeze, "It's been crazy the past few days. I don't have to make decisions in the moment, right?"

She nodded slowly, "Right."

She let a tired smile slip across her face and Jay tightened the grip slightly on her arm. One night ago he had fallen asleep with her heavy breath beside him. Her body, warm and relaxed, in his own bed was an image that he would hardly ever be able to erase from his mind.

And now she was on his couch, rolled up and at ease with him. The second night they spent together, in the half-light, with her feet wedged under his thigh and the TV casting faded shadows against them.

Calm and everyday life were the only two elements that came to mind to describe her presence at that moment.

Hailey had been his moral compass all those days, the same person who managed to ground him and make him more rational. And now Hailey was tired, tired of being cold and lucid for both of them.

"Do you want to stay tonight too?"

The moment his words slipped out of his mouth before he realized what he had really said.

Did he want her to stay there? Hell, yes - maybe the only way to get him to sleep for a whole night.

Was it okay for her to stay there again? He wasn't so sure.

He wasn't sure about so many things anymore. He had already realized he loved having her around too much and that thought had scared the hell out of him. Hailey was his partner, his best friend. But maybe it was too late to consider her just that. Maybe he had bonded with her too deeply — and he wasn't really sure it was the best thing for him.

She tensed and looked down at her hands in her lap. She took a deep breath before lifting her face up to look anywhere but him.

"I have to tell you something. But I need you not to get mad."

"Okay..."

"I haven't been honest with you… What happened with Adam…and Antonio, was a mess."

Jay nodded slowly as he pushed himself against the arm of the sofa.

"I know."

"You know?" Hailey raised her eyebrows.

"I'm not an idiot, you've all behaved strangely for months. I know something about Antonio but c'mon, tell me how Adam and Antonio messed it up." He shrugged, looking away from her.

Of course he had noticed that something was wrong, he just didn't think he could be cut off to this point.

Hailey began to speak slowly, she seemed to be looking for the right words to explain to him what had happened so many months ago, what he had been kept in the dark about. She seemed to never finish telling, maybe it was just her way of closing a cycle on that messed up year.

He watched her speak and could not help realizing that Intelligence would not be split up. That despite what Voight had told him, Hailey would still be his partner the next day.

He saw her nibble her fingernail and something similar to resentment vibrated in his stomach. He had been kept in the dark, while everyone was trying to solve a mess like that, he had been left out.

"I couldn't tell you because Voight didn't want others to know..."

He scoffed at Voight's name and stared intently at her.

"You didn't tell me because it wasn't your place to do it. But why now?"

"Because..." She breathed slowly, "Because you are my partner and I guess I want to be honest with you."

"You went to Adam in jail."

"Well…yeah." She nodded slowly.

"You looked at me and..." Jay shrugged, "This morning, in my bed, you looked at me and you lied to me."

Hailey tensed, biting her lip. He saw the guilt shine in her face and he just wanted to hold her and apologize. It wasn't her fault, it wasn't... He was just too angry and too tired - overwhelmed by everything that had happened.

"This is unfair. I deserve it, but it's still unfair."

"Forget it, Hailey. It makes no sense to talk about this."

He shrugged again, as if it were the only gesture he still had strength for, and dropped his head against the back of the couch. They remained silent - for the first time in an uncomfortable silence, between them.

Adam had this ability to squeeze in between them each time like a boulder leaving him wondering why the hell it was so hard to shake off the feeling of them being together.

"I'm sorry. You don't know how much…I hated every moment of lying to you, Jay."

Jay slid his arm down to her knee to give it a light squeeze.

Hailey hit his thigh with a light kick and Jay snorted a low laugh. After a few seconds of silence, Hailey breathed softly.

"I'm sorry, Jay, really. I've wanted to tell you so many times."

"It wasn't your place to do it. It's fine."

"I'm your partner, it was up to me."

He brushed her off with a wave of his hand turning his head towards her. Hailey had pulled the blanket up to her neck and her hair was sticking out untidily. It was a daily vision that he could easily get used to.

"We good?"

Vulnerable Hailey was something he wouldn't get used to easily. He nodded his head, squeezing one of her ankles in a light grip.

"We're good, Hails."

A quick smile broke on her face before she hid it behind a shrug. They focused on the TV and he slid a little deeper into the couch. The exhaustion of the previous days was crashing against him with force and Jay welcomed it gladly. He just needed to sleep and wash away those days, the fear of being split up from Hailey, Antonio gone, Voight screaming against him. He just wanted to close his eyes and forget - forget everything.

"And for the record, I don't think you're an idiot."

Jay laughed hoarsely as he rolled his head towards her - Hailey, small and adorable on his couch. Jay slowly closed his eyes, letting the feeling of her feet get stuck under his thigh overwhelm him.

He had never been a lover of physical contact, but this? He could certainly get used to it.

Hailey breathed softly with her eyes fixed on the TV, "Do you know what I want right now?"

"I don't have ice cream." He muttered with his eyes closed.

"Not ice cream, but hot chocolate!"

"It's September..."

"There is no bad time for hot chocolate!" She pushed against his thigh, "Do you have any?"

"I don't know." Jay yawned and stretched his arms over his head, "Maybe the powder you brought last time is left over. But maybe it has expired, I don't know."

Hailey jumped off the couch before rushing to the kitchen.

Jay opened one eye just in time to see her blonde hair bounce off her back and he couldn't help but smile like an idiot.

"Do you want some?"

Her voice rang in the silence of his apartment and for a moment Jay let himself slip into a life made like this. Hailey walking around his place as if it were normal, her spending every night with him, her frozen feet wedged under his legs and her sleepy voice in the morning in his bed.

It was all too easy to imagine that life, as if he could reach out and make it real.

"Hmm, too good." Hailey purred, sniffing her cup after sinking on the other side of the couch.

She reached the cup over to him waving it under his nose and laughing, "Want some? Hey, do you want some?"

Jay wrinkled his nose shaking his head before pulling away slightly from her outstretched hand.

"I don't know how you like it."

"You're missing the best in life."

Jay laughed out loud, "I doubt it."

Hailey smiled as she took a long sip of chocolate and he was still amazed at how much she could love that drink. He only drank it when he couldn't help it, but if he could he happily avoided it. It was just too sweet and mushy for him.

Jay remembered that Erin didn't drink it either. She had always preferred those weird sugary drinks that she drank almost in unlimited quantities every day and that he now couldn't see from a distance without making himself sick.

But Hailey loved hot chocolate. She didn't care if it was summer or winter, she just loved it.

And Jay always found adorable to watch her sip hot chocolate. She seemed to be a child again - or at least as he imagined her as a child.

Hailey looked at him and hit his thigh again tilting her head, "What?"

"You have to lose this habit of kicking me, yeah."

"You love it."

"It's annoying."

She shook her head with an amused smile, "You love it."

"Shut up."

Jay snorted as Hailey laughed out loud and he closed his eyes trying to absorb that sound.

Maybe Voight was right, maybe he was no longer willing to accept his way of handling things. But on one thing Jay was absolutely certain, he could never leave Hailey behind - whatever happened Hailey and him would have stayed together.


	3. Chapter 3

" _Halstead._ "

"Hey, it's me. Can we meet in an hour?"

" _Sure, coming to you?_ "

His response was quick and easy - as if he didn't even have to think about it.

Hailey glanced quickly at the half-open door at the end of the hall before answering him.

"Uhm, could we…I don't know, go on a drive?"

" _Of course. See you later._ "

Hailey tossed the phone into the middle of her bed before taking a quick shower and putting on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. She tapped lightly on the half-open door before poking her head into the room now occupied by Vanessa.

"Hey, everything good?"

The young woman sitting in the middle of the bed looked up from the open book on her legs before smiling at her.

"Everything's good. I wanted to thank you. I really..."

"Vanessa!" Hailey interrupted her laughing, "Enough thanking."

She nodded, smiling slightly and looking at her sideways. Hailey didn't really know why, but she figured it would be interesting to live with her.

"Okay, I have to ask you something." Vanessa muttered.

Hailey sat on the edge of the bed waiting for her to continue.

"I'm in Intelligence, but it's clear I haven't made a very good first impression. Do you have any...advice for me?"

Hailey didn't miss the irony of her question. It seemed centuries ago that she had accepted the spot in Intelligence. So much had changed - she had changed - that she couldn't really believe it had been three years.

"Just work, do your best. You already want to learn everything about this job, so you won't have problems."

"Voight called me a little while ago. And he told me you and I will work together."

"Yeah, it'll be fine." Hailey squeezed her knee and smiled kindly.

"I'm sorry for Halstead though. It's as if I had irritated him."

"Jay?" Hailey straightened up on the bed immediately, "You didn't irritate him. He is just very…collected, yeah."

The idea that Jay could actually be pissed off by Vanessa was almost ironic - the ice man would never have gotten pissed off by someone like her. Hailey felt her phone vibrate in her hands as his name flashed across the screen.

She stood up running her hands over her jeans before looking back at Vanessa, "I'm going out for a couple of hours, is that okay with you?"

Vanessa smiled at her and shrugged.

"And don't worry about Jay. He's a good cop, you just have to learn how to deal with him."

She saw Vanessa prepare to retort but she greeted her with a smile and a waved before running downstairs. She grabbed her denim jacket before closing the door behind her and dashing into Jay's truck.

He gave her a quick smile before leaving and she happily accepted the relaxed silence that reigned around them. It had been two hectic days and although she just wanted to get into bed and cover her head with the pillow, she couldn't imagine a different way to spend that night than with Jay.

"So how did it go with Voight and Rojas?"

"Eh." Hailey shrugged indifferently as her gaze slid over the landscape around them. She wasn't really surprised that Jay was driving to the lake viewpoints they knew so well by now.

When they didn't want to stay at home but didn't want to go for a drink, they ended up driving out of Chicago, always discovering quiet and uncrowded places - it was just something that had become another part of their habits.

"Voight signed her."

"I guessed." Jay chuckled beside her, "What did you tell him?"

"What we talked about."

Jay glanced sideways at her as he parked in a small clearing and Hailey sighed heavily knowing he was just waiting for a detailed summary of her conversation with Voight.

"She's still raw and we saw it immediately." Hailey repeated the same words Jay had said to her in the locker room that afternoon.

"Yes, but she has good instincts." He added, repeating in turn what she had told him.

"Yeah..." Hailey was lost looking at the landscape, "But..."

"You live by your instincts, eventually you die by them. Or someone else does."

Hailey chuckled silently at his answer. It was the same thing Voight and her had said and, if she didn't know Jay so well, she'd think he was with them a few hours ago too.

"What's up?" Jay turned slightly in his seat and gave her a curious look.

"It's just...what I told Voight."

"Eh." He smiled at her before bowing his head slightly with a conscious look.

In the darkness his eyes had reached a shade of green so dark it made her wonder if they were really real.

Hailey mumbled a silent response as she slowly reached into the seat before she stepped out and jumped onto the back of the truck. Jay followed her a few seconds later and sat down heavily beside her.

Hailey watched him stare at the distant lake before returning to their conversation.

"You didn't like her."

It wasn't a question. She immediately noticed how Jay hadn't been impressed by Vanessa in the least.

"Uhm, that's not true." Jay chuckled shaking his head, "She kinda reminded me of Ruzek."

Her head snapped in his direction and he spoke slowly again.

"When he joined Intelligence, I mean. He had just left the Academy and was completely with no experience. God, it seems centuries have passed." Jay laughed in the dark and Hailey saw him move his head in amusement.

"Alvin had chosen him, you know?"

"No, I didn't know that."

"Uh uh."

They were silent for a few seconds, "Well, Adam learned a lot from him."

"And anyway, sometimes he's still a jerk." Jay sighed, "But what I'm trying to say is that Vanessa, as Adam, has a chance to be raised the way Voight wants."

"What about Kev and Kim?"

"Well, their experience was the patrol."

"For Vanessa it was Organized Crime." Hailey shrugged indifferently.

"Hailey, c'mon. It was only for a few months."

"Yeah…" She admitted with a sigh.

They were silent again, Jay stretched beside her extending his legs out in front of him.

"You know, Voight told me today that there is a reason we are the only two Detectives in the unit."

"Because everyone else has gone?" He asked ironically.

"Yeah, that's one way of looking at it." Hailey hit his arm and laughed, "But no. He said what you said. Because he can raise them as he wants. We are…"

"We were already Detective. We already had experience. Like Alvin, like Antonio."

"Like Erin..."

"Eh, uhm, not really. Erin has been in Intelligence from the very beginning. After the patrol, I mean."

Hailey stood up slightly, breathing softly. She had always been interested in Erin, something about the fact that she had been such an important element of the unit had always interested her. And Jay talking about her was something so strange that she wouldn't miss a word of it.

"Really?"

"Yeah, she has always been tied to Voight and, I don't know, I guess she always wanted to be like him." Jay shrugged indifferently before continuing.

"She accepted an FBI task force like, I don't know, five years ago, I think. But Voight welcomed her back with open arms shortly after her departure. She said it wasn't the right place for her."

Jay was silent and she could almost hear his thoughts as if he was screaming them at the top of his lungs.

It wasn't the place for her, but it's the place where she took refuge after fleeing Chicago. Hailey knew it wasn't so simple, that her mom was involved, but Erin basically ran away - and Hailey had no doubts about that. And probably neither Jay.

"We all change, Jay."

"Nah. I think it was different for her." Jay sat down more comfortably, "She has no roots, she never had them. I guess the only bond she ever knew was Voight, but he wasn't enough for her either."

Hailey looked at him holding her breath. So much news about Erin, all from him, was almost heady. Jay shot her a look, smiling slightly, before shaking his head and hitting her arm.

"But yeah, this is to say that her only experience was the patrol."

Hailey nodded slowly, "I spent years in Robbery-Homicide and you in Organized Crime. Gosh, I always forget you were in Organized Crime."

Hailey laughed again shaking her head. It had been years since they started working together, but she couldn't stop thinking about what it would be like to know him before. Would they still have that connection?

"Yeah. The experience changes a lot."

"That's what Voight said."

"Hailey?" Jay turned slightly to her, "Vanessa will be lucky to have you."

Hailey nodded slowly, averting her gaze from his eyes - too green even in the dim light - before looking up at the sky.

' _You two are going to be partnering together._ '

' _Jay, you'll ride with Kim._ '

She never thought it would happen, she never thought Voight could do it. And even realizing why he did it, she couldn't share his decision. She just wanted to be selfish and have Jay as her partner.

"Months ago we were on the verge of being split up and now..."

"Now we are. But hey, it's okay, it's for a good cause, isn't it?"

Hailey crossed her arms and pulled her legs against her chest.

"Is it a good cause?"

He looked at her like she was crazy, "Of course it is."

"I do not know."

"Hailey." Jay breathed softly as he turned to look at her, "Tell me what's wrong."

She sighed with her eyes closed before releasing a heavy breath.

"You and I work well together. I mean, we're a good team."

"Hell, sure we are."

"So why splitting us up? I mean…" She added immediately seeing Jay open his mouth," I understand why split us up. But why splitting us up? And why does it seem that you don't care?"

Jay looked at her and remained silent before starting to laugh, "Did you hear yourself? You're delusional."

"I'm not…" Hailey snorted again as she slammed her head against the truck, "Okay, okay, I get it."

"Voight made a good choice, Hailey. Vanessa can learn so much from you." Jay hit her again with his fist, "But that doesn't mean I like it, you know."

Hailey opened her eyes to look at him and again sighed heavily.

"You do not like it?"

"Of course not." Jay snorted leaning his head back, "I like working with Kim, she's solid and I trust her. But…I know you, you know me."

Hailey watched him breathe deeply understanding all the words he hadn't said.

They knew each other better than they knew themselves. She knew what triggered him, she could make out his expressions in the space of a second and she doubted she would ever be able to do the same thing with anyone else. It was just…Jay and the bond between them. She liked to think it was something unique and, selfishly, she wanted it all for her.

But it wasn't like that, from then on she had Vanessa, and Jay had Kim. Something deep in her stomach was telling her that it wasn't going to do well. She trusted that Kim would have Jay's back the way she would. It's just…she didn't trust that Kim could protect him from himself.

Was it a stupid thought? Probably yes. But it was Jay and, foolishly, she only trusted herself as far as he was concerned.

"However, we needed someone young in the unit."

She opened her eyes again at his words and moved to her side. Before her confused gaze, Jay smiled in amusement before continuing.

"I mean, we're all starting to be old."

"Hey!" Hailey laughed hitting his arm, "I'm not old!"

"No, it's true. You're a kid." Jay pinched her cheek and she shoved him away.

"Asshole."

"Hey, kid. Wash it down!"

Hailey laughed again as she stretched her legs into the truck and absorbed the sound of his laughter beside her.

Jay crossed his arms behind his head looking up at the sky and she was lost in the sensation of his silent presence beside her - not for the first time she let herself be drowned in a life made of his silent soul, as if it were too easy to imagine. As if she could reach out and grab that life as easily as she could grab his hand.

The thought of not being able to spend all of her days with him had made its way into her from the previous day and each time it broke her a little more, and she really didn't know how to stop her thoughts.

"I thought you would want to stay home after two days like the past ones..."

Jay broke the silence softly and she couldn't help but give him a quick glance. She was still so amazed to see him relaxed next to her.

She had seen so many versions of Jay by now, almost every facet of him. But honestly her favorite was always the relaxed and lazy one.

The few times she woke up next to him, she was almost amazed by his sleepy look and his husky voice. It was just something she could have gotten used to too easily.

"Yes, about that..." She sat a little straighter and she feeling his fingers impatiently tapping beside her, "Vanessa is coming to live with me."

"With you?"

"Yeah, you know. She has just finished an undercover assignment."

"And she didn't know where to go. I'm not surprised you offered her a place to live." Jay shrugged and gave her a quick glance.

"Not surprised?"

"I already said it. Vanessa is lucky to have you."

Hailey rolled onto her side using her arm as a pillow. Jay kept looking at the sky just inches from her as the cool night air shook the trees all around them.

Jay sighed before whispering in the dark.

"I feel your brain thinking. What do you want to tell me without telling me?"

Hailey let out a light laugh and before even thinking about what she was going to say, she just spat it out. She just hoped not to do any damage.

"You talked about Erin earlier."

"Okay?"

She moved uncomfortably looking for words she didn't know if she would find and Jay slowly turned his head towards her.

"Hailey, what do you want to know?"

"I don't want you to talk about her if you don't want to..."

"Hailey." He bowed his head again with a slight smile on his face, "C'mon."

"Okay, uhm…" Hailey took a deep breath as Jay turned back to look at the sky, "I know you and I know how you handle things, but Erin…wasn't she like Voight? I mean, in the way of handling situations."

"She was totally like Voight." He nodded immediately, "But you know, it was Erin and I thought that eventually the problems at work could stay at work. It has never been like this though, it never would have been like this."

"Well, you two had probably found a way to make it all work."

He moaned wrinkling his nose but did not meet her eyes.

"I don't want to be a hypocrite here. I loved her and she hurt me, yes. But, you know, I think it was just what it was meant to be."

"But maybe…"

"When I went to therapy…" Jay cut her off with a deep sigh, "Well, I hate changes. I mean, I really hate them."

"Yeah, I know." Hailey chuckled knowingly.

"But I understand that sometimes they are necessary. And that…probably Erin and I were our, uhm…way of not changing? I don't honestly know."

He shrugged beside her before reaching his hands over his head and yawning.

"Well, with a past like hers, maybe you were the calm she never had?"

Jay scoffed by turning his head to look at her wryly.

"I don't believe it. No, I'm pretty sure it wasn't like this. I wasn't the person I am now and she…wasn't looking for that in me. That's all."

Hailey remained silent looking for a way to absorb everything he had said to her. It was so strange to hear him talk about Erin, but even more so to hear him so calm talking about her- as if he were resigned.

"I really loved her. In a strange way, maybe, yeah. But I'll never be a hypocrite. I'll never say she ruined me. The way things went…helped me change, I think."

"Maybe it was what you needed. To change, I mean."

"Maybe, yeah. But now I'm fine with who I am. I still mess around and still have nightmares, but that's okay. I mean, it's me."

He shrugged again pretending an indifference that, Hailey knew, he didn't feel. But something in his quiet expression made her particularly sure it was real.

"I'm very proud of who you are, for what it's worth."

Hailey smiled awkwardly and lay on her back mimicking his position.

Jay grabbed a lock of her hair and turned it slowly in his fingers, "It means a lot, you know."

They were silent for a few seconds, the slow movement of his hand through her hair was too relaxing and she could close her eyes and fall asleep right now.

Jay jumped out of the truck before stretching and yawning and she reluctantly followed.

"Okay, I feel ready for a strawberry ice cream."

She wrinkled her nose, "Strawberry ice cream is lousy."

"I'm the one who wants strawberry ice cream, not you."

"It's gross anyway."

"Do you want ice cream or not?"

He challenged her with her gaze opening his door and Hailey jumped on the other seat laughing.

...

"It looks gross."

"You only say that because you are allergic to strawberry."

"It's pink. That's disgusting."

"I don't see the connection between things."

Hailey rolled her eyes before returning to focus on her chocolate ice cream.

"I mean, kids eat strawberry ice cream."

Jay snorted before kicking her foot lightly under the table and Hailey laughed by dipping her spoon into her ice cream. There were few people in the diner and it was quiet and peaceful. She knew she was supposed to go home to Vanessa but she couldn't really find the strength to get up.

She had a chance to see this side of Jay - the witty and lighthearted one - and she had no intention of ending the night, not yet.

And, then again, she wanted to be selfish. Tomorrow he wouldn't be her partner anymore, she wouldn't spend every hour of her day with him and she knew she wasn't ready to give it up yet.

"Yesterday you walked in a little aggressive on Voight."

His voice pulled her out of her thoughts and thinking back to the moment when Voight's office door slammed behind her was not difficult.

' _Sarge, what just happened? It takes a lot of time and trust to build a partnership that works. And Jay and I are working._ '

She hadn't really thought about what she was saying, she had never thought about saying those words to Voight. But she had never even thought that Voight could have split them up.

But then time moved too fast. Voight's words sank into her brain and Jay's gaze - halfway between stunned and desperate - penetrated her stomach like a blade and Vanessa stood in front of her, unwitting author of their separation.

"I didn't exactly agree with his decision, yes."

"Eh." Jay shrugged and plunged the spoon into the ice cream, "I'm usually the one going against Voight."

She sighed leaning back in her chair, "We've already talked about it."

"Look how you're all a mama bear." Jay laughed shaking his head.

And Hailey couldn't help but breathe a light laugh.

She knew he was just trying to ease the situation. And she knew just as well that even though he had been so quieter than her on the issue of their separation, he was going mad inside. It was just one of those changes he would have a hard time accepting - and that was what scared her, being able to read him so well. Kim couldn't read Jay like that. Kim didn't know what he was thinking just by recognizing the way he raised an eyebrow, Kim couldn't recognize his stress levels just by the way he tapped his pen against the desk or how he stiffened his shoulders.

These were things she had learned after years of observing him, day after day, hour after hour.

And she trusted Kim for her life, but…that was Jay. And she knew how to protect Jay from himself.

"I'm not a mama bear." She sighed.

"You are such a mama bear." Jay laughed again as he tossed his empty ice cream container into the bin next to them.

"Come on mama bear, I'll take you home."

She slowly followed him to his truck. His back was a few paces in front of her and Hailey couldn't help but think that by the next morning his footsteps would no longer mark her every day and maybe this was the thing that hurt her most - the loss of that calm, the loss of the everyday life they had acquired after years together.


	4. Chapter 4

Hailey breathed shakily, clenching her fists against her hospital gown. She relived the events of the last few hours over and over again - her mind was a whirlwind and she didn't know how to slow down, how to breathe deeply.

One moment she was at the door of their potential lead in the case, the next she was locked in a plastic bubble - and the world outside kept going crazy.

"Hailey."

She didn't really need to turn around to find out who the voice that had just breathed her name belonged to.

But then she saw him there, motionless. He said nothing more, just staring at her in silence. His chest rose and fell slowly. But his eyes were those of a caged animal - snd she would have laughed if the situation had been different. Because in that moment, the only caged animale was her.

She broke the silence by asking him if there was any news because neither of them was able to talk about anything different. Both needing to keep their minds focused on what was going on outside their lives and not where they were.

"I…I should go."

He took a step away from her - as if the plastic bubble wasn't enough to keep them apart.

"Jay." Hailey breathed softly, "Slow down. Calm down."

She saw the way he let out a deep breath closing his eyes for a second and losing the stiff pose of his shoulders.

And the world around them kept going crazy.

Jay nodded slowly before nodding to her and walking away from her.

And she clenched her fists against her thighs to keep her hands from tearing the plastic and following him.

...

"And she's here. We missed you!"

Kevin held her in a tight hug and she closed her eyes for a second just to memorize their voices greeting her.

She had been locked in a plastic bubble for hours and, while trying to keep her mind busy solving the case, the terror for her own life had held her in a suffocating grip.

"It's nice to see you."

Adam left a quick kiss in her hair before returning to the board as Kim pulled her into a hug that seriously endangered her ribs.

When she looked up, she saw the green eyes she knew best in the world and Jay smiled at her tightly. He wasn't surprised to see her there, Hailey had texted him before leaving Med hoping to calm the guilt she knew was overwhelming him.

"Upton, glad to see you're okay. Now, get to work." Voight gave her a nod before starting to talk to Jay again.

Hailey sank into her chair, slowly stroking the edge of her desk before focusing on Kevin who brought them up on the latest news on the spread of the bacterium.

She was deep in her thoughts when Jay lightly tapped on her shoulder and waved silently for her to follow him. After nearly three years of partnership, she didn't really need to ask him for a reason - she could only read him so well that she was almost scared.

She followed him into the locker room, the sound of the closed door behind her echoing in the silent space as Jay leaned against the lockers with his back to her.

They were silent for a few seconds, both still overwhelmed by everything that was happening to be able to find right words to say.

His shoulders dropped and he took a deep breath.

"I…I'm sorry."

His tone was firm and calm, as she expected.

But when he turned to her, his gaze nearly made her collapse. He was scared and vulnerable - the version of Jay that only she could see.

"What?"

"I sent you there. No backup and it was my decision. And if something had happened to you, I..."

"Hey, no." Hailey shook her head crossing her arms across her chest.

She should have seen his guilt coming. But she didn't think it would be so violent.

"You can't think like that. You were in charge, you gave an order. Your call was right, it's the job's risk. It's our job, Jay."

Hailey leaned against the door as Jay breathed slowly. He closed his eyes letting her words find their way into him.

After what could have been a century, Jay slowly nodded, "Yeah, no. You're right. But…"

He stifled the last words and again panic took over his usual calm.

"Hailey."

He breathed in her name in a sob before taking a step towards her.

The moment her name floated in the air, it became clear to her what he needed - what he probably needed from the moment she stepped into Intelligence.

She crashed into him hard as he wrapped his arms around her back.

Jay muttered her name two more times with his hands wedged in her hair as Hailey wrapped her arms around his torso in a tight grip.

It was strange to be there, so tight she felt his chest rise and fall against her cheek.

Jay had never been a lover of physical contact, but they were no strangers to touching. Small studied touches in the field and fleeting touches in their free time. But it was definitely the first time they had hugged like this, as if Jay had a physical need to feel her against him.

But she knew very well what it was going through his head, she knew it because she had been in that same place before. And she knew that the only thing that would calm him down was physically feeling that she was fine.

"Jay, hey. Let's solve this case and leave it behind, okay?"

She let her hands slide down his back until Jay sighed slowly into her hair.

It was just Jay and, honestly, she wasn't really amazed at this side of him. The controlled and collected man she knew was vulnerable in front of her - and she would never get used to that.

Jay leaned over her slightly, gripping her back tighter until she was able to feel the rhythmic movement of his chest.

"All right. Let's do it." He breathed softly once again.

And when he released her, he was back to being the focused Detective he always was.

Jay squeezed her shoulder softly and, not for the first time, Hailey felt her heart beating a little faster.

She didn't yet know that she would be the one, after a few hours, to have the physical need to feel him alive.

* * *

_"Sarge, I do not have a shot."_

_"Now you have to cut yourself. I said you're going to cut yourself!"_

_"Ok ... Ok."_

_"That's right. Right, now give me back the knife."_

_"Halstead just cut himself. Sarge, it's flopping and I do not have a shot."_

_"Now, take this and you spray on the cut. Take it up! Come on! Take it up and spray on it! Do it!"_

* * *

Hailey took a deep breath, pressing her hands against the steering wheel. She had been parked for a few minutes now, but there was just something about her - inside her - that didn't allow her to move.

The events of hours before kept repeating in her mind leaving her breath broken and hands shaking.

She got out of the car and walked slowly towards the pub where she knew she would find Jay and Will.

Her knuckles were white from the force in which her fists were closed. She only managed to loosen her muscles slightly when she saw Will's red hair leaning against the counter. And she took a deep breath before approaching them and grabbing a stool.

"Hey guys."

"Ah, if it's not my favorite Detective. I was starting to miss you." Will squeezed her shoulder, laughing as she sat between the two of them.

Jay ordered her a tequila while Will continued to make her laugh and it took her a few minutes to realize how much Jay was looking around in silence.

"Hey?" She nudged him lightly to get his attention.

Will shook his head in amusement, "Leave him alone, he's being a philosopher tonight."

Before she could ask for some explanation, he preceded her, "Just reflect on the meaning of life, on what has happened in these days. You know, the philosopher."

"Hey, you're never a philosopher with me!" Hailey hit him on the shoulder again and he shook his head in resignation.

"Don't listen to him, he's a jerk."

Hailey laughed seeing them annoy each other in front of her and took a sip of tequila. She closed her eyes for a second as she felt her liquid burn her throat and their annoyed voices still ringing in her ears.

"I would like to say I'm amazed that Jay already knew you wanted tequila but..."

"Eh. The strong stuff…" Hailey began.

"For a strong day." Jay finished smiling broadly at Will causing an impatient snort from him.

They ended up in a light conversation and over and over she had to remember that the world was moving on, that day was over and that no meat-eating bacteria were putting their lives in danger anymore.

Will gave them a light pat on the back before walking off to greet some friends because, to Hailey's amazement, Will knew someone wherever he went.

Hailey turned the glass over in her hands watching the light liquid move elegantly.

"How is Amanda?"

Jay approached her slowly, forgetting the distance they were always trying to keep.

"She's with her grandmother, she'll be fine."

Hailey breathed softly and closed her eyes at the sensation of his smell all around her. She was used to it now, yet she always managed to leave her amazed.

It was a smell so clearly his that she didn't think she would ever be able to smell on anyone else - not that she wanted, but this was something she wasn't ready to face yet.

"And how are you?"

Hailey blinked a few times before being able to focus on his face - so very close to hers.

"Deadly tired but eh."

"Uh, bad pun." He sighed.

"Yeah..." She laughed at his disgusted expression, "You know what I mean."

They remained silent as the world around them continued to spin and she let her hand slip where she knew he had cut himself.

"What about you?"

"Oh." He looked at her hand, "It's just a cut."

Jay shrugged indifferently, letting his gaze slide over her face in silence.

' _It's just a cut._ '

She had no doubts he would minimize what had happened and that was exactly what made her so furious. He minimized the fact that he was nearly dead that afternoon - again.

"Okay, I don't really want to interrupt whatever is going on here, but it's getting late."

Will sank into the stool next to them and Hailey pulled her hand off Jay as if he were burning. She took her eyes from Will's conscious gaze stretching and thinking it was time for all of them to end that hellish day.

"I didn't see your truck outside."

Hailey glared at Jay as they paid and he shrugged in a weary gesture.

"Nah, I came with Will."

"Oh, well, you want me to take you home?"

_'Please Jay, please, don't let me be alone.'_

He smiled at her before turning to let Will know it.

They got into her car in silence and waited to see Will's car roll out onto the street. They followed him but lost him at the first intersection.

"What about Vanessa?" Jay broke the silence by tapping his fingers on the window when she parked in from of his apartment.

"I think she went to Molly's with Kev."

"Do you want to come up?"

She looked at him in the dark and closed her eyes for a second, "I'd like to sleep. But I would like to go up. I'm struggling."

His light laugh echoed in the car before he jumped out of her car and, when he was already outside his front door, Hailey closed the door behind her as she walked slowly towards him.

Her body begged for some well-deserved rest, but she knew her mind would never allow it. It kept traveling too fast for her to actually sleep and she knew she would find no comfort staying hours with eyes wide open in the dark.

So maybe - just maybe - airing her thoughts with Jay was the best choice she could make.

She followed him up the stairs and, as soon as she caught a glimpse of his couch, she crashed into it and covered her face with a pillow.

Jay disappeared into his bedroom and she stood there in the silence of his living room with her eyes closed. It was simple and familiar and maybe all too normal. But, by now, she had stopped being amazed. It was just what it was meant to be and never, like that night, did she thank her fate for giving her the chance to live another day.

"You okay?"

Hailey jumped at Jay's voice and quickly stood up.

"I'm fine, yeah."

He tilted his head to one side not believing her lie for a second, but shook his head entering the kitchen.

"Tequila?"

Hailey wrinkled her nose shaking her head, "Just some tea?"

"You're getting soft."

"Just have to drive home." She shrugged.

"You could sleep here, you know."

Oh, she knew that. And she also wanted to do it. But she couldn't do it, not for herself and what it would stand for.

Jay seemed to read her thoughts because he gave her an apologetic look, "I'll make some tea."

"Cool."

Hailey joined him and sat on the chair in the kitchen as he turned his back to her towards the stove.

He had changed into a short-sleeved shirt and now the bandage that covered his left forearm was all too visible.

The white of the bandage stood out strongly against his lightly tanned and freckled skin despite the dim light and she clenched her fists against her jeans.

* * *

_"Now, take this and you spray on the cut. Take it up!"_

_"Come on! Take it up and spray on it! Do it!"_

* * *

Jay's fingers snapped in front of her face and she blinked trying to focus on him.

"Hailey? You okay?"

He put two mugs on the table and sat down in front of her and she breathed shakily, shaking her head to clear her mind.

"It's okay to feel overwhelmed. It's been some tough days. "

Hailey still clenched her fists hard enough to stick her nails into her palms while all she could focus on was the clear liquid in the cup in front of her.

She didn't want to listen to him and she didn't want to look at him. But she couldn't even close her eyes because...

"Hailey. Talk to me."

Jay reached across the table and she finally met his eyes. They were confused and worried - the same expression from that same day in the hospital, on the other side of the plastic wall.

"I spent hours locked in a plastic bubble while the world outside went crazy." She cleared her throat, "And I didn't want to go crazy because, honestly, what was the point?"

Jay opened his mouth to talk, but she cut him off with a wave.

"And, when I thought the world was still going crazy but we finally were fine, you walk into that damn room."

Her voice had reached a dangerous icy note now and she clenched her fists against her jeans again.

"Well…"

"No." She cut him off with a hiss.

"It's always you, Jay. Why does it never happen to Adam or Kevin? And God forbid something happens to them." She immediately added, "But why is it always you?"

She let the question float unanswered around the room as he pursed his lips in a thin line.

"It's our job, I get that. But you are…" Hailey shook her head unable to find a definition that fit what she meant.

"I'm exhausted, Jay."

"I'm really sorry. It's just what I am and..."

Hailey sighed heavily as she dropped into the chair.

"I know."

She knew he was that kind of man, with his heart on the sleeve and she knew it would never change, but it was everything so exhausting. Every day, every hour, continuously.

Jay got up slowly and leaned against the cabinet looking out the window. They were silent for a few minutes, both too tired to really talk about anything. But maybe mutual company was the only way they could not go crazy that night.

Jay breathed softly before speaking, his back still to her.

"When I said to get eyes on Seldon, I knew you would understand."

* * *

_'Hailey, I'm going in. I'm gonna keep this line open. Get Voight on the line. Try to get eyes on him.'_

* * *

"I had no doubts, not with you out there. I didn't know where you were, but I knew you were out there and it was enough for me."

He shrugged finally turning to her and she absorbed his words slowly.

"And I'm happy to know that the nights at the shooting range have been useful."

Jay was holding out a hand to her and she let out a light laugh before taking his hand for a few seconds.

It was true, she had been begging him for months that he let her practiced with his rifle and finally he had given in. She never imagined his lessons would prove vitally useful to him.

"Yeah, maybe I deserve another night at the shooting range."

"You definitely deserve it." He slowly nodded at her - open and sincere.

"What about your belief that your rifle is just yours?" She teased him by frowning.

"You saved my life, with my rifle. This one time deal is over for me."

His voice was calm and serious and she breathed slowly recognizing the enormous truth behind his words.

Jay sat down across from her with his arms stretched out on the table. Hailey slipped her hand to the bandage on his forearm, tracing invisible lines on the white fabric.

"I'm sorry, I overreacted before."

"Nah." He shrugged with a small smile on his face, "You were right about everything. And it's okay to be pissed."

Hailey looked at him in confusion and he just shrugged as if everything she was saying was obvious.

"We didn't know what kind of bacterium we were dealing with and suddenly Will calls me and tells me you're in quarantine and it was because of me. It wasn't a good time."

"Jay..."

But he continued as if she hadn't even opened her mouth, "I understand why you're pissed, but can you just let it go… just for today?"

His voice trembled with his last words and Hailey looked up at him.

Jay was breathing quietly, nothing different than usual, but the way he held the cup in his hands didn't go unnoticed.

And for a second, she was taken back to that afternoon, in the locker room. His breath broke through her hair and the way he almost sobbed her name.

Jay was reckless. He threw himself into situations before thinking about the consequences and it was all because of his heart. And she knew him by now - maybe too well.

She covered his bandage with her hand, moving her fingers slowly over his skin.

Maybe if she managed to hide that bandage, she could forget the voice in her mind that kept repeating as he nearly sprayed the bacterium in the cut.

Maybe she would be able to forget that, for the umpteenth time, she had risked losing him.

"I'm not exhausted. I love working with you, you know."

She let her hand slip away in a light caress and Jay breathed softly in front of her before tilting his head to one side and smiling at her.

"We don't work together anymore, actually."

"You'll always be my partner, that doesn't change."

"Yeah well, don't tell Voight." Jay hit her shoulder with a light punch before gesturing for her to follow him to the couch.

Hailey kicked off her shoes and tucked her legs under her and, again, the whole everyday life of those moments crashed into her violently.

In a normal situation and after days like those just passed, she just wished she were at her house, a nice shower and straight to sink into her bed.

But, honestly, this idea hadn't really crossed her mind. All she had been able to think about after leaving Amanda was seeing Jay - just to absorb some of his silent presence.

Even in the storm, Jay maintained a calm that she needed to keep from losing her mind.

That day, in Med, beyond the plastic bubble, she had managed to feel all the stress radiating from him, but somehow - so absurdly - he had managed to calm her down.

Jay leaned his head against the back of the couch and closed his eyes and, for the first time, Hailey saw the exhaustion hit him.

She stretched her legs until her feet wedged under his thigh after giving him a light nudge.

"So, how's it going with Kim?"

"Eh, it's Kim." He shrugged indifferently.

"And…?" Hailey hit his leg impatient again and he laughed.

"And nothing else. She is chatty, I'm not. That can sum up our partnership well."

Hailey laughed imagining the stakeout between the two of them and he chuckled looking at her before continuing as if he had read her mind.

"The other day, when we were in my truck for four hours, she did the crossword puzzle. She talked the entire time, and I really mean the entire time."

Jay's eyes widened dramatically and she laughed louder shaking her head.

She caught him watching her in silence and pushed deeper into the couch, trying to hide her heartbeat under a smile.

She could have easily finished her every day like this, on the couch with him until they went to bed.

And it was this awareness that made her heart beat faster.

She wasn't ready to admit it even to herself and she kept her guard so high on her feelings about him knowing she wasn't even in the slightest ready to deal with everything they brought with them.

But these moments - the laughter, the silences - were the moments that made her tremble as she imagined what their life together could have been like.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I had this idea in my head for a few months and I finally managed to write it down.
> 
> For anyone who has read my story '5 times that Hailey touches Jay and ...', you'll have noticed how the shooting part is inspired by that piece of story. And if someone hasn't read it yet, well feel free to do so :)
> 
> Talk soon, H.


End file.
